Your Life Matters Part 2

Blogger: Gracey Mae

In part 1, Mum shared her experience within an abusive relationship. If you missed Shade's story you can read it here

Today, Gracey shares her story....a child witnessing domestic violence. Gracey was 7 years old when her parents divorced.

My earliest memory of the domestic violence was at our house in Tottenham, London, where I woke up to my mum screaming downstairs whilst we were in bed. I crept out and watched things unfold from the top of the stairs. I don’t believe they saw me and I can’t quote exactly what happened but just writing about it takes me back to a fearful and fragile place.

Due to the domestic violence, my parents divorced and as part of the child custody battle, we were required to have therapy sessions with and without my mum. Those seemed to help at the time but as the older sister, my priority was to keep my sister safe and shield her from the abuse. I comforted her through many tear filled nights. At the moment, I’m toying with the idea of going back to therapy because I find that my memory is terrible and I believe it stems from forcing myself to black out huge chunks of my childhood.

As harsh as it sounds, I have never really missed my father. I think I’ve had pockets where I wished I had a father but my reference is more about the position as opposed to the person.

I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by great men in my family so there have always been strong father figures.

With that said, the hardest thing to deal with was my father kidnapping my sister and I during one of our scheduled weekend visits. He changed our names, schools and house, whilst spewing lies about how my mum didn’t want us and she never wanted to speak us again. To be that malicious is beyond me! That was the definitely the hardest thing to deal with.

Family dynamics after separation is always weird. My mum encouraged us to have a close relationship with my father’s family but we never really knew how aware they were of the situation and whether they tried to reason with him. The not knowing meant there was tension between wanting to maintain communication and being cautious of the support of my father’s domestic abuse.

My advice to anyone who has an absent father is to remember that your earthly father may not be present but your Heavenly Father sees you and hears you. For Father’s Day, I celebrate the amazing men in my life such as my grandfather and uncles.

Seeing my mum go from surviving on £60 per week benefits to being a Consultant Forensic Psychiatrist, Teacher and Minister has been the biggest lesson to me.

She didn’t need marriage to define her, she was the epitome of success with or without a male counterpart. This continues to resonate with me and fuels me to be more illustrious and independent. I know at times it can be perceived to be a defence mechanism so that I’m not at the whim of a partner’s discretion and perhaps it is. However, I continue to look at the positive examples of love I have around me and strive to have a relationship hallmarked by The Bible’s definition of love.

It’s easy to feel helpless or hopeless when you’re experiencing domestic violence but there is always a way out. Believe in God, be committed to finding a solution and have confidence to take the first step.

Your past doesn’t define you, your trauma doesn’t shape you. You are the author of your fate.

For individuals based in the UK there are numerous government and third sector organizations, which can provide all manner of support. These include :

24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline or 0808 2000 247

Scottish Women’s Aid Helpline: 0800 027 1234

Scottish Domestic Abuse And Forced Helpline: sdafmh.org.uk

Live Fear Free – All Wales Domestic Abuse & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 8010 800 or livefearfree.gov.wales

Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation: 0808 802 1414

Victim Support Helpline: 0808 168 911 victimsupport.org.uk

Southall Black Sisters: 0208 571 0800 southallblacksisters.org.uk

Sharan Project (South Asian Women Help & Support): 0844 54 03231

Honour Network – Karma Nirvana: 0800 599 9247 or karmanirvana.org.uk

Ashiana Project: 0208 539 0427

Refuge: refuge.org.uk

Women’s Aid Federation of England: womensaid.org.uk

The Hideout: thehideout.org.uk

Love Don’t Feel Bad: lovedontfeelbad.

In Australia,a 24hr counselling and support service 1800respect.org.au or 1800 737 732

In America, a 24hr counselling and support service thehotline.org or 1800 799 7233

Please like and share this post....I'm sure there's at least one person in your circle who may be encouraged :)

Gracey Mae

I’m a London-born Nigerian and serial plate spinner which is great as I’m also a big foodie.

Faith comes first and I balance this with my 9-5 as a project manager in IT, The Afronation Show: my weekly radio broadcast and Frobeats: my weekly Afro-Pop podcast.

I keep busy with my weekly music reviews and ad hoc interviews for publications such as Pause Magazine.

I offer Branding and PR Services with Laude London: a music management consultancy firm, as well as, curating My Dream Wedding Fair: the largest bridal show for couples of African and Caribbean descent in the UK. Both businesses I co-own.