Your Life Matters

Blogger: Shade

I once heard a Minister say that two hurting people coming together don’t make a whole healthy relationship. Instead they perpetuate their individual hurts.

Abusive relationships are soul destroying and skew one’s sense of self worth. If I am completely honest, the relationship was never right. My parents’ marriage was very dysfunctional and that had an impact on me emotionally. I also didn’t have a clear understanding of relationship red flags: behaviours which are an absolute “no-no” such as derogatory comments, controlling behavior, abuse in various forms (some covert, other more overt).

I stayed in the relationship for about 7 years. I would say my staying so long was a variety of reasons; guilt, shame, fear, not seeing a way out, the erroneous belief that as a Christian God would not sanction getting a divorce, African culture (divorce not acceptable, abuse is your fault etc.).

My daughter’s were 7 & 3 years old when we left.

The point of no return…

I made friends with two wonderful Christian women in church who literally were used as the hands of God to deliver us.

The first lady didn’t know the detail of my abuse but knew there was something badly wrong. She kindly took me on a day retreat and as part of that retreat arranged for me to meet with a Christian Counsellor. This Counsellor was the first person and possibly the only person I have ever told the full extent of my experiences. He in turn for the first time highlighted the negative impact to both me and my daughters and invited me to have a paradigm shift.

The second friend knew much more. She was my place of refuge literally whenever I was in crisis. A few months after I had gone for counselling, she approached me. She stated that God had instructed her to offer my daughters and me her home as a place of refuge as our position was becoming increasingly untenable.

Despite her approaching me unbeknown to her after a further crisis, I didn’t immediately take up the offer. However, I subsequently accompanied her to a church service. Although it was Christmas period, the Minister explained he’d felt led to share a message that had no obvious links to Christmas. The message highlighted the dangers of hiding the reality of difficult situations by trying to resolve matters in one’s own strength or pretending problems didn’t exist (due to pride, shame, guilt). I literally turned to my friend in the service and asked if the offer for a place to stay was still available.

The Talk…

My daughters are incredibly discerning individuals and always have been. They had sadly witnessed the physical abuse and had seemingly worked out long before me that it could not continue. They had told me to make sure “I didn’t leave them behind” when I left, long before I worked out I needed to leave permanently. I think their comments were borne out of my temporary escapes to my friend’s home in which I really had no choice but to leave them temporarily with their father.

Adapting to a new life...

It was very hard after the separation. We moved several times. From my friend’s home we were housed in local authority housing as we were literally homeless. Including my friend’s home, we lived in three separate places over five years.

How did we cope? My daughters and I have always been very close and I continued to prioritize my relationship with them and giving them a secure emotional base above all else. I worked really hard, and as much as lay in my control for my daughters to maintain a relationship with their father and their father’s side of the family. At the same time, I learnt that it takes “two to tango” and that I couldn’t always compensate for inappropriate behavior from the other party.

Initially they saw their father weekly, sometimes more. Things became complex about 10 months into the separation. He took them for a day and refused to return them. It was real unchartered waters. Ultimately, I had to go to court to obtain a court order to have them returned to my care. Thereafter, and after court proceedings a formal residence order was put in place. Their father wasn’t ready to comply with the order, failed to adhere to the order and intermittently over a number of years attempted to have the order rescinded as it recommended supervised contact. Sadly, contact has never thereafter been regular. It was a long, painful, exhausting and expensive process emotionally and financially. However, it was their father’s choices that led to the current situation. My preference would have been continued regular contact. It’s a reminder to all to think carefully about the choices we make and the consequences of our choices.

One thing that I felt important to ensure remained the same to allow a sense of stability was they continued to attend the same school. The only change was a longer commute. It was a Christian faith based school which was important for our core belief system. It was also small so they knew everybody and were able to keep their friends. I informed the Headmistress and their teachers of what was going on and they provided appropriate support.

Trying to keep it together…

There were many times when it was difficult to “count it all joy”, where I struggled with depressive symptoms and the whole situation felt very overwhelming. I think that was compounded by my being a fairly reserved person, who in the past had battled with low mood. I am also not very good at asking others for help.

So what ultimately kept me sane? I knew that God endorsed the ending of an abusive marriage and had my back. This gave me the confidence to go to Him any time things got tough and when I was struggling. Beyond that I really believe that God met me where I was.

My family was a key source of helping to keep me sane. In the early years my brother would visit religiously every fortnight and often gave me money and blessed his nieces. Courtesy of my brother my daughters had the latest gadgets. My father was supportive and continues to be very close to me and my daughters. My youngest sister and my brother-in-law over the years were just beyond awesome. They checked in with us regularly, paid for holidays for my daughters and my brother-in-law contributed to the funding of both daughters’ university education.

I have a couple of close friends who were observant enough to know when I was floundering emotionally and would offer support. The jewel in the crown was when I told God I was lonely and he provided me with a number of single divorced mothers like me. They understood what I was going through in a way which other friends and family could not fathom because it wasn’t their experience.

The love of my daughters forced me to push through the pain repeatedly. I often crawled out of bed and kept going only because I knew they depended on me to survive.

At first I struggled to enjoy the seasons of life. I was a bit “woe is me”. The breakthrough for me was an understanding that life is a gift to be appreciated.

I also needed to be deliberate in enjoying and appreciating every season. Some of the strategies for enjoying the season have varied with different seasons and some have remained constant. Prioritizing my relationship with God is a strategy for every season. Likewise, prioritizing my relationship with my daughters is an all season every season strategy.

Learning to appreciate the things others may count as “small” and not taking people or things for granted also fills my “joy bucket”.

I learnt the need to look after me, realizing that not too meant I was not going to be in a position to look after anyone else effectively or enjoy life. I was deliberate in creating “down time”, “me time”, “fun time”. I remember once hearing God say “Why won’t you be depressed? All you do is work and go to church”. Now don’t get me wrong, work is good and church is good but life must be balanced. Finding alternatives and realistic substitutes is also a strategy.

For many years I couldn’t afford to go on holiday but I would take the girls on day trips during the summer. Another divinely orchestrated strategy was God bringing a couple of ladies into my life that were in similar circumstances to me. They understood the struggle and we were able to encourage ourselves.

When there’s more month than money…

It was very difficult financially at the beginning and if I am honest as a single parent finances was a long term concern. I had stepped out of medical practice and my ex-husband refused to support the children financially. The Child Support Agency was ineffective in remedying the situation.

Ultimately, the two solutions were to be financially prudent and at the same time position myself so I could generate a higher income. In terms of prudence I had to accept my reality. For many years I realistically couldn’t do the things that some of my more affluent girlfriends could do. I think that’s why I still have an aversion to shopping. For an extended period I had no option but to buy 4p bread and 10p baked beans at Netto which was a shop that sold food at discounted prices. I didn’t go on holiday for seven years. I couldn’t afford a car. I lived in local authority housing for a number of years and housing costs were subsidized by the government.

On occasion I would take the bus to drop the girls at school but walk home to save money.

I hasten to add that I and my daughters have been the recipients over the years of unbelievable generosity. However, ultimately if finances are an issue one has to generate a higher income. For me ultimately that meant stepping back into medical practice. God raised up some spectacular people who supported me financially and provided practical support with childcare so I could pay, study and pass exams which allowed me to practice.

I would add that unlike twenty years ago, domestic abuse is not only well recognized phenomena but at least in the Western world there is a lot of support available.

God raised up support in the form of friends and family at various stages along the journey. My daughters and I could write an entire book on the support we have received over the years from friends and family. I am not exaggerating when I say that we’ve been so blessed – free holidays, money, gifted a car twice, electronics and above all love, friendship and emotional support.

Final nuggets of wisdom…

I learnt that although I couldn’t always shield my children from the truth, it was and remains important to maintain an attitude of respect for my ex-partner especially in front of my children. This is irrespective of the behavior of the other party.

Sometimes I think I should have ended the marriage sooner both for myself and for my children. However, I am kind to myself and remind myself when “we know better we do better”. I would advise all to get a proper understanding of domestic abuse. It’s important that we can all read the signs of abuse be it in our own relationships or those of acquaintances and friends. Having such knowledge might just save a life literally.

No-one can make the decision for you. Whether you choose to stay or leave, you will have to live with the consequences of your decision making. It’s never easy to choose to leave. However, domestic abuse is corrosive, has far reaching physical and psychological effects and can quite literally cost you your life. I do not in any way underestimate the challenges in leaving, but there truly can be life after domestic abuse. The Bible talks about choosing life or death and concludes by saying “I ought that you would choose life”. I would say to you “please choose life and never compromise your safety”. Another aspect to consider is that sometimes after years of abuse a victim can snap with catastrophic results.

In my professional capacity, over the years I have worked with individuals who literally snapped after years of abuse and killed their partners. I have included the details of a number of Organizations below who have the knowledge, skills and expertise to support you in making the right choice –“Life!” You may not yet feel ready to leave, but if nothing else please seek expert advice. It won’t hurt and it might just save a life! Your life!

My biggest tip is that it is normal to grieve for your lost hopes and dreams and in fact it’s cathartic. However, don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the grief cycle. If need be seek professional help. For example I accessed art psychotherapy for my daughters through NSPCC because of the toxicity of the breakup. I would also say be proactive in seeking support. There is nothing new under the sun and sometimes we all need some extra help.

Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. I had to accept that my life trajectory was quite different to some of my good friends but that it was okay.

In your current situation it may be hard to think when one starts the journey that things will get better or feel better but eventually and over time things improve. I had to make a choice that my experiences trying as they were would make me “better not bitter”.

Similar to when one has a bereavement, the day comes when you have to start going it alone. To be honest by the time we got re-housed it was a relief to have our own space. It was also a relief not to live in fear of abuse. However, subsequent to that there were times when I felt very lonely even though surrounded by people. To those going through, I would say one has to accept that “the journey will be a marathon not a sprint”. There will be no quick fixes. Recovery will come in stages and as part of a process. You need time to accept the reality of your current situation and come to terms with and learn from past experiences. Likewise your children also have to process their new reality.

I’ve learnt to give back. Nothing lifts the spirit like supporting someone else who is going through a challenging time. It’s not only a blessing but brings perspective. I learnt no matter how hard life gets there will always be someone worse off than me and someone I can give a helping hand.

My younger daughter was very young when we were actively living the abuse she has no memories of the actual abuse. Of course she has lived through the fallout. Not so my elder daughter who vividly remembers witnessing events I wish she could forget. She once said to me, “Mum I am so glad we left, otherwise I would have no good memories of my childhood”. Selah! (Pause and meditate on that statement).

You are not alone...

For individuals based in the UK there are numerous government and third sector organizations, which can provide all manner of support. These include :

24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline or 0808 2000 247

Scottish Women’s Aid Helpline: 0800 027 1234

Scottish Domestic Abuse And Forced Helpline: sdafmh.org.uk

Live Fear Free – All Wales Domestic Abuse & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 8010 800 or livefearfree.gov.wales

Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation: 0808 802 1414

Victim Support Helpline: 0808 168 911 victimsupport.org.uk

Southall Black Sisters: 0208 571 0800 southallblacksisters.org.uk

Sharan Project (South Asian Women Help & Support): 0844 54 03231

Honour Network – Karma Nirvana: 0800 599 9247 or karmanirvana.org.uk

Ashiana Project: 0208 539 0427

Refuge: refuge.org.uk

Women’s Aid Federation of England: womensaid.org.uk

The Hideout: thehideout.org.uk

Love Don’t Feel Bad: lovedontfeelbad.

In Australia,a 24hr counselling and support service 1800respect.org.au or 1800 737 732

In America, a 24hr counselling and support service thehotline.org or 1800 799 7233

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Your fellow Rookie Parent,

Shade

Dr Shade Olajubu lives in the UK with her two adult daughters, aged 28 & 25. She is a divorced single mother of Nigerian heritage.

Shade is all things Mental Health: a Consultant Forensic Psychiatrist, an accredited Cognitive Analytic Therapist and a GMC recognized Medical Education Trainer.

More importantly, Shade is a committed Christian and is a living testimony of not only surviving but thriving after experiencing domestic violence.