When life takes a detour...a single Mum's perspective

Guest Blogger: Dolapo

Life does not always turn out the way we plan. I grew up in a broken home, so know too well the impact on children and never thought I’d walk that path. The journey to being a single parent started in April 2017. My sons were 5 and 7 at the time.

The Talk…

To explain the situation to my sons, I reversed it and tried to make it as though it was not a big deal. For e.g. ‘Dad and I won’t be living together because sometimes adults have things they have to work through on their own. You on the other hand now have two houses, two birthday presents, two Christmas presents etc’. I kept reassuring them that their dad loves them and that they will see him.

They asked if we would ever live together again (fortunately my aunt had advised to give them information they can handle). I didn’t want to give them false expectations so I said we’ll work through that when things get better. It takes children time to process things so I got different questions at different times but kept reassuring them that they had done nothing wrong and that we both loved them.

The Adjustment…

A lot changes in situations like these, so it is important to have some stability. We all moved out of the family home which was a big change. Although the children and I moved to a new location, I decided not to change school, kept their routine/structure as it was e.g. swimming, karate, tutoring. We went to another branch of the same church so there were a few familiar faces. I was deliberate about getting them to spend time with their friends, to try to move their attention from the separation to fun.

I advised the school of the separation, so that if they become unsettled at school, I would be informed and can put any necessary action in place. I have heard people say they prefer to keep such information away from school but on the contrary, I believe it’s best to work with the school. Your child is not alone, there are many children going through the same issue.

It’s important to have a good support system in-place through friends and family; people you can call on at any time when you need help. Also, inform your employer as they might be more supportive especially in the days when school calls to say a child is unwell and needs to be picked up. If your employer is uninformed, they may wonder why your partner can’t do it and you’re the one that gets called from school all the time.

Initially my sons saw their dad every other weekend on a Sunday (around 10am-4pm). This was impractical with our routine and made it difficult to plan. We then changed to once a month from 10am to 6pm. Now they go once a month from 5pm Friday to 6pm Sunday. In addition, the boys spend more time with dad during the school holidays. We share birthdays, Christmas day, New year’s day. He also has them on Father’s day.

When you are juggling work, home, school, family life it’s important to enjoy every season of parenting. I plan the time out with fun activities like trips to London, museum etc. I also take unplanned opportunities to connect with them. For e.g. we spend the last five minutes before bed to “be silly” and do whatever. Sometimes we make up songs, have a chat, play, literally anything. Also, when we read the bible together in the evening, it often leads to a chat about life generally, it’s lovely to hear their views. We love sleepovers, it’s a downtime for us.

Discipline

When I was growing up, we got disciplined without realising what we did wrong so it’s important to me to help my children reflect and understand what was wrong about their behaviour. I am still of the school of thought that our parents did a lot right, after all we turned out well, so it’s a case of improving on what our parents did. I believe there are different stages for example the naughty corner, for seizing toys, talking to them etc. Ultimately, it’s about helping the child understand what was wrong about their actions and helping them think through the right way/actions.

It’s so easy to shout when they do something wrong. In those times, I remember ‘Take five and five, five steps back and five deep breaths’. During this time I pray for help to handle the situation effectively. Other times I let them resolve the situation themselves, if they come to me, I tell them 'I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!' (and yes I sometimes shout). Sometimes I react before realising it. It’s hard to be the parent that disciplines on one hand and have to hug them shortly afterwards when sometimes you are still disappointed in their action. I allow myself time to process, if I’m not in the right frame of mind, then I can’t handle the situation effectively. There are times when I lash out but if I need to apologise, then I do so, that also teaches them humility.

When they misbehave, I remove their favourite thing eg. Tablet/Ipad (they only get to use the tablet on the weekend so when it’s removed they really feel it).

Once, when they were rude to me, I got them to write ‘I will never be rude to mum’ on two full sheets of paper. They learnt that lesson well!

We use the rewards systems but instead of stars, we have points. Points are removed for bad behavior and added for good behavior. The first person to get 100 points gets a reward they really want (e.g. toy/gadget). If points are removed, I call them for a discussion about what they did, the impacts on others and reassure them of the reason for discipline – love.

Final nuggets of wisdom

Don’t be hard on yourself, it may seem others are doing better than you, just do your best where you are, with what you have. Leave the rest to God, we are only custodians of God’s children. To the single mum out there doing all they can for their children to have the best in life, God’s got your back!

One thing I would definitely recommend is that you introduce godly role models to your kids. I ensured my boys had regular contact with their God-parents. As a single mum, get your sons to spend time with a male role model and your daughters to spend time with female role models, it is very important. It’s also another opportunity to get to know if there are any issues you are not picking up. Now that my oldest is old enough to have a phone, he has his God-parent’s contact details. I am not trying to replace the role of their father in their lives but I have a responsibility as a parent to ensure they are exposed to good role-models. It would also help when they get to the teenage years.

Make time for you, after all you’re human. At first I didn’t want to hear this from anyone, I just wanted to be busy being a parent but after a while I realised I was hiding behind this. I need time to myself, re-discovering me and doing whatever it is I enjoy doing. One day they would move on and you don’t want to start from scratch, slot in time for you even in the midst of the busyness of life as a single parent.

If I look back is there anything I’d do differently in raising my sons? No. We learn as we go along and even the mistakes I have made in parenting have made me who I am today. I wouldn’t do anything differently as it’s given me the opportunity to be a better parent. In terms of what others can learn from my mistake, I would say be deliberate about enjoying every stage, don’t wish it away because you will look back and wish you had that stage. It’s easy to get engrossed in the challenges that come with each stage and just complain about it all, take a different perspective and focus on the positives. Lately, I’ve been thinking of how challenging it was to juggle work, picking the kids from nursery etc and I miss how they used to run up to me when I picked them from nursery. They don’t run to me now when I pick them from school….enjoy every stage.

Make time for children, involve them in decision making whilst establishing boundaries about the decision maker (you). They have a voice, their view is important, so make them feel heard.

No one strategy fits all, you might find a plan works for one child but not the other. You have to know each child and tailor your parenting accordingly. Pray for help and for the strategy needed for each child. Don’t be hard on yourself if you get it wrong, there is no manual that covers it all, you will learn as you go along. Be open and associate yourself with others that have gone ahead of you and learn from them.

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Your fellow Rookie Parent,

Dolapo

Dolapo is a single mum of two boys aged 8 and 10. They currently reside in the UK. Dolapo works full time as an HR Business Partner.

She is extremely passionate about her children and with leaving a godly family legacy to the next generation.

Dolapo believes that we should not struggle alone. She is therefore transparent and open about sharing her experience in the hope that it helps and encourages others, especially single parents.