The Gatekeeper

Blogger: Sash

Your every move is being watched…your actions, your words. Lately I’ve become more aware of this mainly because what I do and say is sometimes replayed. Sometimes it’s hilarious and at other times it stops me in my tracks. One example replayed (in a firm tone) ‘Mummy don’t make me count to 3 before you do it. 1, 2, 2 and a half, 2 and 3 quarters…that’s it!’ Sound familiar?

This week, the buzz word in our home has been ‘Integrity’. Explaining it simply to a 4 year old as ‘being the same when you are all by yourself as you are in front of people’.

Followed by a few simple examples around lying, taking things that’s not his, doing the right thing always…

And that got me thinking about doors…

The Gatekeeper

According to ageofmontessori.org it’s said that from birth to around age 6, our children’s brain works in a very different way than an adult’s does. At this age, his mind is like a sponge soaking up huge amounts of information from his environment. Children develop 85% of their core brain structure by the time they are 5 years old.

As parents, we are the Gatekeepers. Whether we realise it or not, every day we choose what we allow and disallow into our lives and our homes. We decide on the doors to open or close.

We choose what our children watch on devices. We teach them how to behave either through discipline or our own behavior. The most time they spend in the early years is within the home so the values, attitudes and behaviors they learn is from within the four walls of the home. The environment we create as parents is vital in shaping the lives of our children.

Think for a moment about your own upbringing. How did it shape you?

As I look back at my own life, to say that my parents were hard working is an under-statement. They grew up at a time when education was not easily accessible and children worked from a young age to support the family. They never wanted that for their children and made untold sacrifices to ensure that every child succeeded in their education.

My late father had a phrase ‘Nothing for mahala’ translated ‘Nothing for nothing’. Meaning there’s nothing in this life for nothing. Give back. We were taught that if we wanted something we had to earn it, it was not just handed to us. We lived on a farm so all the children helped out. We learnt early on that all hard work brings profit.

When I was 17, I left home to study overseas. You’d think freedom right, opportunity to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted with nobody around to see what I was doing? WRONG. When I was about to board the plane, my mum gave me a kiss and said ‘behave yourself’. Hand on heart, those words guided me. And even when I wanted to deviate, it would pop into my head as if she was right there beside me and I'd hear her saying ‘behave yourself’.

Words are powerful. We choose daily what we speak over our children. The words we say either make or break them. I was surprised recently when my son said ‘Mummy are you proud of me because I did the right thing?’ I could not recollect when I told him previously that I was proud of him. But he soaked in that word and was looking for ways to do the right thing so I would be proud of him.

Again, look back at your own life. How did words shape your upbringing? Just three words a father can say to a child ‘you are stupid’ can replay in this child’s life even in his forties.

I choose to train and teach my child so he knows what’s allowed or not when he enters the outside world. My son is a mix of Indian and African. So I’ve already sowed the words into his heart ‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made’. He knows what to say if anyone says anything contrary.

Now, let’s ponder about our outside environment…

I grew up in South Africa (of Indian descent) during apartheid. My outside environment shaped me as well without me even realizing it. It only hit me when I travelled overseas. I vividly remember the day watching my niece and nephew playing with their friends. They would have been around one and three years old at the time. I was amazed. Here they were playing with children of different races and they were having fun. I asked my sister how they were doing this! It honestly baffled me as I grew up with all races segregated and it was only beginning to change at the tail end of me leaving school. At which point I left the country. I went to an ‘indian’ school, there were beaches, toilets, everything you can think of that were zoned by race. It was worse when my parents were growing up. To me this was ‘normal’ until I saw these little children play.

As baffled as I was it baffled my niece too when I explained it to her when she was older. She simply said ‘I do not see colour’.

This is a simple yet powerful illustration of how our environment impacts us.

Apartheid ingrained in me that one race is superior to another. It took me years to change my thinking to see myself as equal to everyone and that colour did not matter. It impacted the friends I kept as I felt I was not good enough to speak with a Caucasian. It impacted the way I related to people at uni, work etc. I had to retrain my mind and be deliberate in how I saw myself.

Filters

I’ve been pondering about the word ‘integrity’. What are the standards and principles I live by? What filters do we have in our home? As the adults we choose what we expose our family to.

Some filters…no swearing is allowed either adult or child. We do not allow our son to watch action or scary movies/programs as we noticed a change in his behavior. It begs the question – do these programs have an impact on my behavior and should I be watching it or lead by example? Sooner or later I know it will be replayed ‘but mummy I can’t watch it but you are watching it’. So before that happens, I’ve put mental filters on what I watch. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!

Ooh la la … you are an instant Model

We have only one chance and a very small window…before we know it our little ones will not be so little anymore. Every good word we speak, every positive action, our time, our energy, our tears, our sweat, the positive habits we instill will pay off. So, let’s be deliberate in the seeds we plant keeping in mind the harvest we would like to see.

May we be the models that our children would want to emulate.

And once they are adults…the cycle continues. It’s their turn to be the Gatekeeper…to choose the doors they open, they decide what to allow and disallow… Hmmm....maybe they will hear your voice pop in their head when they are about to deviate!

Please like and share this post....I'm sure there's at least one person in your circle who may be encouraged :)

Your fellow Rookie Parent,

Sash

I am an Accountant, Author and Blogger. Home is Australia with my husband and 4 year old son.

I believe that in sharing we grow.  And that's how this website and blog was born focusing on children and parents. It sure does take a village to raise a family and build a home.

It's so easy to forget 'you' on this journey. This website's here to remind you not to!